A listless week.
Just thinking about it brings about so much self-loathing. That, it has lingered on this week too, worries me. As silly as it may seem, certain things just stay in your sub-conscious. Try as much as you can, involve yourself in the most engaging of activities, but the bother remains and keeps circulating back and forth.
My child isn’t eating well. That is worrying me like a worry no other. She takes a few bites and that’s it. I fail to tempt her with anything, distracting her doesn’t work it either. How she manages to run around the whole day with hardly anything in her system completely escapes me. I clearly see that her weight has dropped and am losing sleep now. Lots of tips from friends and family did motivate me to not lose hope. So I tried to put some tactics to test. One of them was force feeding. I regret it very much. As usual, she kept running around, thwarting all my attempts to get her to take a spoonful. Finally, exasperated, I lay her down on the couch and force fed her. She cried and cried. Choked some. But cried so much. I lost my cool completely and shouted my top off at her. She was shocked and I saw something resembling fear in her eyes. But I was too sullen to comfort her. Since Amit was there too, he quickly picked her up and tried to distract her. She kept looking back at me with tears streaming down her eyes. That look on her face, I shall never forget. She almost immediately slept on my lap. Looking at her serene face , I could not control my tears. I wept and wept but it wouldn’t make me feel better. I hurt her with my anger and nothing is going to compensate for it. I decided, at that very moment, that this would be the last time I would ever raise my voice at her. If I had been persistent enough and calmly made attempts to make her eat, she would have had some for sure. But by getting angry, I ensured that she did not eat anything at all. I hope to look back at this incident each time I get angry or upset with her. It was an important lesson learnt. (more…)
